Guest Writer #130: “Avoiding the “Bad Guys”’

I recently asked the good folks on my facebook fan page what my next topic for the dating blog should be, and one young lady suggested I write about the signs of a bad man from the survivor’s perspective. I thought this was a FABULOUS idea except for one thing-I don’t believe in “bad guys” for myself anymore. When the light broke through the darkness after my break-up with the infamous ex, I realized that there were a lot of things I ignored about both him and myself that could have saved me a lot of time and trouble. That’s when I decided that there ARE no bad guys and I am no victim of bad relationships…but we CAN talk about how to make better choices and what to know before we make ANY choices.

The first thing you need to do before you fire up the PC to get on a dating website or walk out your front door with your “Come Get Me” gloss on is to know what you’re looking for, both in a man AND in the relationship. Ask yourself a few questions first, and really think about the answers to those questions.
1.) Am I looking for Love?
2.) How do I need to be loved, both physically and emotionally?
3.) How much time do I want/need in person as well as by phone?
4.) What am I willing to give of myself in a relationship? What am I unwilling to give?
5.) What do I have to offer? What do I want and need in return?
6.) What are my deal-breakers? Smoking? Drinking? Drugs? Kids? A mean mama?
7.) What does my partner look like? Feel like? Sound like?
8.) What does my ideal relationship look like? What is the reality of that ideal that I’ll accept?

Okay, I know you’re saying, “Hey, WHOA! I thought we were talking about how to spot the wrong guy! This looks like a lot of work for me ON me!!!” Okay…it kind of IS. Once you arm yourself with knowledge of self, it’s easier to weed out who’s for you and who isn’t. Trust me-I am your quintessential “I’ll know him when I meet him” type, but I also know what I need from my partner, who I want to be with my partner, and how I want the relationship to work. The tough thing about this process is that you will find yourself feeling as though you have less options…but that’s a GOOD thing. It means that you take yourself and your future seriously, and any old man will not do. HOWEVER-be careful not to look for a man so perfect that even YOUR lovely self doesn’t deserve him…lol.

I will say, though, that there ARE some things to look out for when you meet a guy, questions asked and list made or not:

1.) If you ask the man a question and he gives you a response, but doesn’t answer the question asked…he could be a bad’un…
2.) If he has bad relationships with more than one of his “baby mamas,” he’s not unlucky in love…he just might be a bad’un.
3.) If he looks puzzled when you wait for him to open a door for you, cut him a little slack. If he snatches the door open and walks through it himself anyway…he might be a bad’un.
4.) If he is rude to people in service professions…he might be a bad’un.
5.) If he’s not interested in something you’re passionate about, that may be okay. If he doesn’t CARE about something you’re passionate about…he might be a bad’un. Disinterest doesn’t have to mean lack of support.
6.) If you are giving way more physically, mentally, and/or emotionally in the relationship, he’s a bad’un. Don’t even let it get so far that your feelings get hurt. If you’re initiating all the calls, texts, e-mails, smoke signals, letters by carrier pigeon, just stop…(sorry…I upset myself there for a minute…)
7.) If his entire conversation is about sex…he COULD be a good Cutty Buddy…but he could be a bad’un.
8.) If you’re having surface conversations where you really don’t feel like you’re getting to know each other and he rejects any opportunities to remedy that…he might be a bad’un.
9.) If he is abusive physically, emotionally, or mentally…he IS a bad’un. People will tell you you’re just sensitive, but if he’s constantly hurting your feelings and being disrespectful, it’s just as abusive as a punch in the face.

I’ve loved some really good guys who just weren’t right for me. I’ve loved some decent guys who just weren’t mature enough or not ready. I’ve even loved some stellar guys wearing bad guy disguises they just weren’t able to give up, but I’ve never had a relationship with a truly bad guy. I take responsibility for the choices I made and for following the choices my heart made. As you can see, all the choices I made led me to this point-single as hell and writing a dating blog from the perspective of a woman who doesn’t date…lol. But I sit here knowing more about myself, what I want, what I need, what I deserve, and what I want to BE for that man who finally gets me…and I’m still learning. If you fall for a bad’un, just make sure you don’t leave the relationship at least a little more aware than when you did when you entered it.

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