Guest Writer #108: “Friends with Benefits vs. Booty Call”

Hello Blog Enthusiasts!

Last week was my birthday, and I celebrated like the Leo Goddess I am-I took the whole week off. I thought I was ahead of myself and had sent the fabulous Gigi enough to post one for me in my absence-I was wrong. Even a Leo Goddess isn’t arrogant enough to simply bail on responsibility for her own sake, so I apologize.

I’m having a hard time coming up with blogs because again, I haven’t been on a proper date in a VERY long time, and I’ve finally come to a point where I’m not sad about it. Since I was behind and I needed an idea, I polled my facebook friends, and was offered the subject of Friends with Benefits vs. Booty Calls. At this point, I felt I needed to do a little more polling because for me, Friends with Benefits sounds curiously close to casual dating to me, and we just discussed that subject a few weeks ago. I went back to my status and posed the question, “Is there a difference between Friends with Benefits and “Cutty Buddies”? Trying to get this straight before I try to write this blog.” Just to be clear, a “Cutty Buddy” is a jump-off/booty call/sex buddy. GUYS-when I tell you a man on my list came through and read me the riot act for simply asking the question??? Oh my gosh. It was his idea that a FWB was exactly the same as a Booty Call, and that the difference in the titles were simply the putting of lipstick on a pig, to paraphrase. I responded to him, “You know the main issue we have not only between the sexes but between us all as humans is that we don’t communicate and we have misconceptions about each other’s perceptions. There are several different responses to the same question right here, so it’s a relevant question.” Turns out his issue was of the religious persuasion. Obviously, he doesn’t read Di’s blogs or else he’d know I’m a 33 year-old virgin, so I feel him, but come ON! This is a useful conversation between adults. I think the best part of this conversation, no matter WHAT the topic is the fact that I saw so many different points of view on the same subject. That speaks to the fact that we can’t assume that everyone is on the same page with everything, and these conversations are necessary…but back to the blog in question…
Friends with Benefits vs. Booty Calls.
First, let’s define the terms. Per a long thread on facebook, a Booty Call is exactly as it sounds-a call for booty. This is a strictly sex situation. No long conversations. No dates. No dinner, be it Ruth’s Chris, Friday’s, or McDonald’s. Just sex. A Friend with Benefits is exactly as it sounds as well. It’s a situation where you like a person, care about their feelings, hang out, talk, dine, and have sex. You’re basically having sex with your friend.
I was confused about the Friends with Benefits situation because it sounded curiously close to casually dating to me. I had the night to think it over, and I think I understand it better now. I can think of a male friend or two whose company I enjoy and friendship I treasure as well as having a physical attraction to said friend. However, for one reason or another, I might not want to enter a romantic relationship with this friend. I love him. I want him. I’m just not IN love with him. With casual dating, there is more than likely a romantic element and the possibility for more.
So what are the benefits? Either situation is a “good” option for a person who is either too busy or too war-torn by love to date. Even as I sit here completely okay with being single, some nights I want to be held and kissed and touched inappropriately, so it would be nice to have a FWB in that case. Some people are so busy that they don’t even have time for the friendship, so in that case, a Booty Call situation is perfect. Come through the door. Have sex. High five. Back to school/work/etc.
However…
also a common thread in the conversation was that both situations can lead to one or both parties “catching feelings” or becoming attached. This is dangerous because either someone will get hurt in the situation because the other person doesn’t feel the same way, or when you fall in love with your Booty Call, it’s probably more of an emotional action to physical acts and you really don’t KNOW the person.
When I have these conversations with people, they always say that the most important thing is to make sure that both parties know the rules and understand the arrangement. I’m here to tell you, though-the heart doesn’t care about what arrangements the minds made.
I remember when I met the man I only call my ex because it’s the most polite thing to call him given our past. We were both 18, and when we began talking to one another, I was auditioning him to be my boyfriend. I quickly learned that he wasn’t boyfriend material, but I liked kissing him. Out of my own mouth came, “I don’t think we’re going to be together, but we can mess around.” And we did. For about 10 damned years. I don’t think I had turned 19 before I “caught feelings.” I remember being into my 20’s when we had the conversation-AGAIN-about my feelings having changed for him, and he reminded me-AGAIN-what he had agreed to. He was governing our relationship based on rules we made as kids. It was cut-and-dried for him. I was madly in love and desperately hurting.
As I say in a lot of my blogs, we just have to know ourselves when we choose our dating/sex situations. I think a lot of people THINK they know themselves or try to adapt to a new way of thinking. Think CAREFULLY about whether you can handle a relationship that doesn’t end in a romantic bond. As much as I want someone to rock me sexy when I need it (you know…since I’m not dating and all…), I know that at some point, I’m going to want more from that man. I want more from a man PERIOD. So back to the question-which is better? A Friends with Benefits situation or a Booty Call? Only you can answer that one.

3 Comments on Guest Writer #108: “Friends with Benefits vs. Booty Call”

  1. Gigi Flores

    Gigi will NOT do booty call… she much prefers friends with benefits. Booty calls can (after a while) leave you with an unpleasant taste in the mouth, and you can feel used. At least with friends with benefits, it is is not in and out and quick, and you can get more than just sex…
    Definitely make sure you know the parameters of these kinds of relationships so you do not get hurt…

  2. chay

    I will consider a fwb relationship more than a “dating”..But both partners has to agree to ground rules and be honet with each other. My intent is not to change him and I will not change.

  3. Dimonique Boyd

    I think if I were down for either situation, I’d prefer the booty call. I’d rather be in a situation to mutually use than to be in an FWB situation and risk getting hurt. If we’re having sex and enjoying each other’s company, at some point the signals will get crossed, and I’m gonna think I’m in a relationship. You just can’t have it both ways with me.

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