Lately someone from Gigi’s past has been texting her on face book and calling her, wanting another chance, years after they were together. The problem? She gave him two chances last time they were together, and both times he lied and cheated, and hurt her. There is no way in hell that she will ever trust him again, no matter what he says, and how he seems to regret having hurt her and lost her.
So Gigi wanted to know what people thought about giving someone yet another chance, years later, wondering if people CAN change, and if we should give them another chance years later.
From Gigi: Nope. No more chances. I do not think that people can change… not once they are adults. I think people deserve two chances at a relationship. Once they have lost you, maybe then they realize how much you meant to them, and they want another chance to make it up to you. But if they break up with you again, and hurt you once more, then they have lost the right to a third chance.
From Danielle: How MANY chances later???…three?????
From Gigi: He had two chances and broke my heart each time…
From Dan: No. Everyone only deserves a second chance. Period. End of story.
From Gigi: Thank you Dan… that is my thought too…
From Archie: People don’t change. You either learn to live with them or you move on.
From Chantelle: Mine had three chances…yup…broke my heart…three times….
From Ron: I agree with Dan… give a second chance and then move on. people seldom change. first time could have been a mistake/slip-up/screw up whatever, the next time its their character that doesn’t gel with yours
From Danielle: In the game of love, two chances, and you’re OUT!!!
From Boris: If it’s years later, maybe. ask them what made them change, and listen carefully to their
From Jane: The love of my life (I thought) had many chances, then there was the last chance. It broke my heart, but I had to say goodbye. If you really truly love that person you can do anything, but you only get so many chances till you’re crying wolf!
From Amy: Well, when you figure out the answer to this one, Love, let me
know! I’ve been pondering the same thing on and off for about 20 years now – An old flame that never dies. Sometimes it’s not a matter of that person changing. Sometimes the change is within ourself. Or sometimes it’s just a matter of timing, or for the relationship to grow and mature. Alas, I don’t have an answer…
From Sherrry: For some weird reason we, women always think we can change our men, after we get them! We put up with all their stuff while dating, but then we marry and think all those things will change, WHY? They are who they are, so you either love who you fell in love with (for better or worse) or move on! They are not going to change their personality! 3 strikes your out of the old park!
From Matt: 2nd chance seems fair. After that, I think the game is over.
From Harriet: I agree with the second chance but if they continue to screw up after that it is what that person is made of and you probably should cut your losses, It can be hard but in the long run worth it for your sanity.
From Aaron: No body “breaks your heart.” You have to take responsibilty for you own feelings. And people can change, but not over night. It takes plenty of time, couseling, and dedication to that change. And it will never work if you are changing for someone else. Has to be a change for yourself.
From Gigi: I beg to differ, Aaron… hearts CAN be broken… they can be fixed/mended with time, but people do have the power to harm you, by the careless way they treat something precious you have given them: your love, your trust, you commitment to them. they take it and carelessly throw it away… so if they come back for a third chance… I say no way!!
From Harriet:I agree, you opened up more than once already so he needs to know that you are not easy!!!!!!
From Sarah: Amen Gigi… lo dijise como es. (You said it like it is).
From Gigi: Gracias Sarah… claro que le corazon puede ser roto… por hombres y mujeres que no aprecian lo que tienen… (Of course the heart can be broken… by men and women who don’t appreciate what they have.
From Tina: No,no,no!
From Max: Someone CAN change. but someone can also NOT change. Telling the difference saves a lot of pain.
From Aaron: Never said a heart cannot be broken my dear. What I am saying is you have the power over your own feelings. Are going to let someone control whether you are happy, sad, or heart broken? Only you have that control.
You say people have the power to harm you by their careless ways? Really? That would be enabling. Nobody my dear, nobody has the power to harm you unless you allow it.
From Annie: I agree completely with Aaron. Also, someone is who they are and if they do things that you can’t live with then move on. You can’t change what is. If they change of their own accord, it won’t be because you want them to change, it will be because they want to. Do you change at the whim of someone else?
From Boris: Aaron, if you get raped or stabbed in prison, I’m pretty sure they harmed you, whether you allow it or not. And I don’t think you feeling harmed enables them. Winking at them might, though. Now, how you choose to handle that, mentally, over the years, is up to you. But harm is harm. You can’t wish or will it away.
From Winnie: Short and to the point….maybe they can change…maybe not.
From Ana: No more chances……….you are much better than that!
From Aaron: I’m sorry Boris. I have never been to prison and had no idea. I did not realize Gigi got raped and stabed in prison. It is for sure exactly the same thing.
From Gigi: OK… Gigi has never been in prison. Never been stabbed. And never been raped. Whew… my terrible life lately suddenly feels better.. However, Aaron, I still do not agree with your whole “power over my own feelings” statement.
Are you seriously saying that people should be able to stop sadness? Depression? Anger? I am not a robot. I have feelings. If a man hurts me I may not bleed, but I will hurt if I loved him deeply enough.
Now for any Norwegian man reading this from distant Ireland, my feelings were not real enough or deep enough to BE hurt. For any Peruano in Michigan, you did hurt me two years ago, but will never be allowed the chance to hurt me a third time.
If you have never ALLOWED yourself to be hurt, then I don’t think you ever truly opened yourself up to someone.
And no, I do NOT hate all men, nor do I blame future men for what past men have done. New men have clean slates.
From Boris: Aaron, you’re young. There’s still time.
From Shari: Old dogs can learn new tricks…if they are aware they need to be changed & they want to. That is the key, they have to really want to. After several years there is a chance their personality may have changed [if say they broke your heart in high school & are now in their 40's] but after only 2yrs, it’s very unlikely. Sorry they have Toads in Ireland too dear! New men do deserve clean slates….but not totally clean. The fact that they are males & the %’s of certain kinds of behavior amongst the male species seems to run pretty high leaves a residue. So even though the slate is technically clean, we through experience have to have a certain awareness of the chances of these behaviors happening & need to keep an eye out. So at least some experience needs to come on that slate too…
From Annie: Boris, I think Aaron was refering to ‘feeling’ rather than the physical hurt – which is what this thread is about.
Great quote here by Eleanor Roosevelt: If someone betrays you once, it’s their fault; if they betray you twice, it’s your fault.
From Aaron: Boris, don’t even know you man and love ya. We all have control over our own emotions and actions. As soon as we don’t and look towards others to blame, there is a problem. The man that abuses his wife and then blames her for pissing him off, far too common. If Boris stabes and rapes me in prison and I kill him, jutisfied or not, I still have to take resposibility for my actions. Have you guys seen the interview with Opra and the lady that got her face ripped off by a chimp, or super man that got thrown from a horse and broke his back. These people are awesome to listen to. They are in horrible conditions and never blamed anyone one elese for their situations. And we blame others because we are sad or heart broken?
From Boris: The lady loved the chimp, of course she wouldn’t blame him–most battered women don’t blame their man, either, and insist charges aren’t filed, and go back to them. Don’t herald that type of behavior as heroic. You are singlehandedly dismissing the entire concept of tort, and entire arm of jurisprudence, if not the biggiest, which is just silly. You didn’t wrong me, it’s just a feeling I must be having. Never mind. You didn’t damage my property, I just think you did. Excuse me, please go on about your business. You didn’t rob me, my money clearly just wanted to go with you, instead of me. Pishah. Balderdash, and bullshit. Feel-good, dimestore psychobabble mumbo jumbo and too much time spent with psychiatrists, swamees, gurus, and healers. If someone lies to a woman for an extended period of time, getting her to fall in love, making her think they’ll get married, etc. and then she finds out he was married and had no plans to leave, that’s called a broken heart. For you to act like she should just “buck up” and accept how it affects her as her own feelings, rather than blame him, is pure misogyny, pure and simple. She should punch him in the fricking face. End of story.
@Annie, I guess all those kids that get verbally abused their entire lives, just need to “get over it” and “look at it differently,” since it was never really abuse, since they were never harmed physically. Just like how it’s only punishment, if it didn’t leave a mark. These are sycophantic symantics, to get around the fact that some people are just heartless, and are more willing to side with the man, than with the woman, or, with the one causing psychological harm, and not the recipient of such treatment or behavior. It’s the “I didn’t leave a mark” opr “she wanted it” defense.
From Annie: Evenually, all those kids will HAVE to get over it. Else they can never move on and not moving on means not living a full life. That is the choice. You can choose to dwell on it, relive it over and over, become a victim to it even when you are no longer in it, wallow in it, stay with it, keep it. Or you can choose to let it go. Know that it happened, but don’t bring it with you. Take a step back, look at it objectively, shrink it down and then leave it in the past. What is the point of carrying it around with you, keeping you bitter and uptight? That doesn’t do anything except for allow it to keep harming only you.
And this doesn’t just go for the kids, but for those that you speak of in response to Aaron. Women AND men go through tough times in life. We all have our stories of horrible relationships, ghastly upbringings, bad things happening to us… but it really is down to each of us as individuals to choose what we do with those things. We could go around punching people in the face – and if that actually does work to move things on, then maybe that is what is needed to happen. But if all that does is make you want to carry on hitting someone in the face and it doesn’t allow you to move on then that is a pointless exercise too. This is ALL about not remaining a victim. Who on earth wants to live like that?
From Boris: Yeh, I’ve always said people that suffer from depression should just “cheer up” and “look on the bright side.” If they make a serious commitment to just be happy and cheerful, I see no reason they can’t…
From Annie: I am confused now. Are we talking about illnesses here, or attitudes to life?
Whew… another hot and heavy topic!! I still say that people can have their hearts broken, and cannot control this.