Dating Advice #34: Moving in together when kids are involved

Last week we talked about moving in together… what happens if there are young children involved? Should you move in together then? Does it make a difference in how much time you should wait before moving in together?

From Gigi: I think that if there are children involved, one must think very carefully before moving in someone into your home. You need to think of the best interests of your children before your own needs. Do not move someone in unless you have been together for at least six months, and are deeply committed to each other.

From Joanna: IMVHO if you are a mother of girls never never bring another man into the house until they are grown and gone. Why go looking for trouble?

From Kerry: Oooh, tha’ts a difficult one… but I definitely think that you should wait a lot longer. If you are thinking about moving in together, then you would have to be really sure that the kids were ok with it and have already grown a good relationship with the person themselves. It should be treated with great care. So yes, I think its makes a big difference.

From Winnie: When the kids ask why he goes to his home and doesn’t stay, then it should be ok.

From Annie: I agree with Joanna although I think the same if you have boys too.

From Kerry: So, you think that bringing a man to live with you is a complete no no if you have kids. So, in my position, I have 2 young boys…. are you saying I should wait til they are all grown up until I can have a live in relationship? That means, I can’ get married or settle down with any man for at least another 15 years? Are you seriouse?? What planet are you from again???

From Annie: Is there any reason for being rude? I thought this was open debate.

From Kerry: It is…. but its another shocking response Annie. What you are saying is that I should forget about having a live in partner whatsoever until my children are grown up and have moved out!!! I can’t believe it!!!

From Mike: It hurts to say this, but I agree with Annie. @Kerry… No one said you couldn’t find a partner have a relationship. But when you decide it’s time, do’nt just play house, get married and show your kids that there is a correct way to go about it.

From Kerry: Of course… That’s my point…. I’m not saying to set up house with the next Joey that comes my way. Notice my original comment that says that these things should be dealt with carefully and should only happen if you AND THE CHILDREN feel ready. But Annie agreed with Joanna and said… No man should live with you and the children until there are no children in the home. That’s beyond belief!!!

From Annie: How much did it hurt to agree with me, Mike? 😉
I do speak from experience, by the way. When my last relationship broke down, I decided that if I ever did have another relationship whilst my children still lived at home, it would be one where we did NOT live together.

From Kerry: So, what if you fell in love and you had a long relationship and the kids thought the world of him… Then he proposed and you agreed… Then what?? Tell him… Yes, I will marry you, but you can’t live with me for another 10 years or so honey!

From Annie: Why is it beyond belief? more and more people are choosing to NOT live together… I am not that odd you know.

From Kerry: I don’t know any newly married couples that live apart Annie.

From Annie: Well, actually, yes. That is exactly what I would do. Although I probably wouldn’t do the marrying bit.
Doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Although I suppose they wouldn’t necessarily be married.

From Kerry: Seems like a bit of a weird set up to me. Why would you marry someone who you weren’t happy to live with… Clearly they shouldn’t marry if that’s the case. Tha’ts like saying… yes, I will marry you, but I don’t trust you around my kids. What? It doesn’t make sense??

From Annie: It isn’t to do with trusting them around your children. It is to do with the realities of life. Too many relationships break down. You already have experienced that. I have experienced that too. My children have experienced that, two of them twice. I won’t put them through that again. Please note, I have to say again (although it will probably be ignored…again) I speak for myself only. These are MY choices and I am not saying that anyone should do what I say. I am not preaching, I am expressing my opinions. They could very well be wrong, but they are what I think. I chose to be a mother and to me that is my main priority in life. Everything else is secondary until my children all move out. Therefore, I don’t have the ability, under this circumstance, to give anyone else what they, and I, would need to make a relationship really work. I don’t want my kids to have to see and feel another break up. And I can’t guarantee that this wouldn’t happen. So I prefer not to take that chance. But this is me. I don’t expect anyone else to think or feel the same.

From Joanna: You are to be commended for making your children a priority above yourself Annie. Too many mothers think their own happiness is what will make their children happy. That just simply is not true. We have them and we have to make sure they have a safe and balanced home to grow up in. I don’t know about boys.. I have girls and personally I would never trust any man to be around them, other than their father, the way they parade around the house half dressed. Girls are girls and they dont think about grown up stuff and should not have to worry about it. My house will remain theirs until they leave. But I also choose to stay with their father thru thick and thin and make it work for them too.

From Tina: Or not:)

From Gigi: Ok, I rarely enter these discussions, but I do not agree with Joanna. If the mother isn’t happy, then it will affect her children, as they will sense her unhappiness. A woman should not have to deny love from her life in order to be there for her children. She can have a love life as well as be a good mother. She should just not move anyone in until she is sure that it is a serious relationship. And if it goes wrong, then such is life. One cannot shield children from divorce or break-ups… it is something they will experience themselves when they are older.

From Kerry: I certainly don’t think that a mother who seeks happiness is selfish and not putting her children first. I will ALWAYS put my children first and ALWAYS consider them with everything I do in my life. I had an absolutely awful experience with the father of my children, but Im not going to let it rule my life and stop me having a future and allow it to make me so paranoid that I could be denying myself and my children happiness with someone.

From Joanna: I agree some men do not make good husbands or fathers. I only speak for myself and my family.

From Gigi: Ok everybody. Teacher mode here. I am all for expressing your own views and opinions, but I think some of us (myself included) need to respect each other’s right to their own opinion. I post these questions to get your feedback n put them on my blog, and I have friends who are now hesitant to write their opinion for fear of being verbally attacked… Please keep it respectful!!! Thanks…

From Joanna: Translation: Lets all play nice on the playground. **wink** Anyone wiling to push me on the swings? 🙂

From Joanna: Heck I did not mean to start down an overly sensative road. I just have 4 girls and I have seen the affects of what happens when you bring a man (sorry to the nice guys… not all men are bad lol) in especially one that can not resist the temptation of pretty girls. It was a decision that I made even before I had children. As for anyone else… I suggest doing what you think is best … always. (My sister is blocked so I can say she was the selfish one I was referring to and my neice who suffers because of it… I make no judgements on people posting here **grins**)

From Kerry: ‎4 girls??? jesus… u got your work cut out for you

From Joanna: LOL you dont know the half of it 🙂

From Kerry: I can imagine!!!! Thank god I have boys. If I had girls I would die if they were half as troublesome as I was as a teenager. I’m not sure how my parents didn’t lose the plot. There was only 1 of me… Imagine 4!!! aaaahhhhhhh

From Joanna: Ahh.. nah.. my girls are WAY better than I was. I just have one with diabetes, one with ADHD, one that has a form of apnea and will just forget to breath, and then the youngest has urinary reflux. We laugh… we were not blessed with healthy kids, just really good insurance 🙂 But I am a cancer survivor and they said I would never have children so I thnk we are just extra lucky… well most days 🙂

From Kerry: ‎3 words…. OH MY GOD!!!!!

From Joanna: Now now no swearing **wink** Oh I dont work anymore. You just take it one day at a time. 🙂 It comes on you slow… you read it all in one text I had about 20 years to adjust to all of that. It just makes you appreciate life and not sweat the small stuff. I tend to be wound pretty tight and be a tad (LOL) high strung … if people only knew, but you just do what you have to.

From Jackson: Hey teacher – what’s with these essay questions you’ve been asking lately? Give us some “lite” multiple choices ones.

From Boris: Yes, with kids you have to be a little more conservative

From Joanna: I want to know does my husband REALLY not mind when I wake him up at 2am for sex just because I cannot sleep or would he rather get a couple of extra hours of snoring in (after all he is the one keeping me awake)

From Harriet: I’d say to live apart until the two of you get married. I think the kids will have a lot more respect for your partner knowing that he/she is a member of the family.

From Gigi: ‎@ Jackson… No multiple choice!!! I am loving these debates!!

From Rose: When I answer these, I try to answer based on my personal principles and experience, so here it goes: No. I had a hard enough time simply introducing guys to my son, and that usually took MONTHS and MONTHS. Kids or no kids, I never wanted to live with anyone unless I was married to them. Not knocking anyone who makes the choice to live together without a legal agreement, it just wasn’t something I ever had the desire to do. There are days when I wish my husband lived next door instead of in the same house. Maybe with a breezeway connecting the two…

From Joanna: Rose, I am completely with you!! I have told my husband that when the kids move out I am moving us into a duplex 🙂 He says we have to have a connected bedroom in back, but I say only when he stops snoring. LOL I could have a girly house with pink walls (nicely done not bright) and flowery sheets; and he could have space ships hanging from the ceiling or whatever guys like. But I married a pack rat. I would make his take all of his “stuff” over to his side. I think it is retirement at its best 🙂

From Rose: Spaceships hanging from the ceiling. lol.

From Joanna: Well, he does not drink so beer bottles in the window and beer can sculptures are out. 🙂 **giggles**

Yet another comment-filled blog, with a little bit of heated discussion!! Gotta love my bloggers!!

5 Comments on Dating Advice #34: Moving in together when kids are involved

  1. Seina

    I am currently in the process of moving in with my long term boyfriend. My daughter thinks the world of him. For her sake I have made this move very slowly. We started just staying over one night then upped the amount of time spent with him in our new home every 3 weeks. We now live there full time and she doesn’t make reference to our old home or wanting to go home. She is completely comfortable being around him in the new setting. I think if you go about it slowly and watching for signs that your child or children are unhappy or uncomfortable then maybe you should take a step back.

  2. Katie

    I have a question. I have 2 young boys. 4 and 5. Seperated from their dad for 4 years, have yet to get divorced. Haven’t been able to afford it. For the time being I live with my parents. My parents are good people and they adopted me and I’m thankful but I don’t think their parenting is all that great. And it seems worse with age. They were 40 when they adopted me and I’m now 26, which makes them 66. Ive been dating a great guy for about half a year now and things are great. Chemistry. Communication. But he’s never raised any children and wants to wait 4 or 5 years to move in together. I know I don’t want to wait that long. What to do?

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  4. Trevor

    Annie clearly has no idea what she is talking about. Please take all of this advice to heart, except Annie’s.

  5. Meagan

    WOW, I have been there and dated for over a year, by ex’s brother went missing and he changed into a crazy man… we were married both had kids from prior marriages and once the brother went missing life was changed I could save us but my kids were to much changed by him and his behaviors. 🙁 he was my soul mate but my life really belonged to my kids and they deserved it. Marriage or no marriage life happens, and marriage makes it harder to correct!

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