Relationship Advice #33: If they don’t say ‘I love you’ back

You’ve said “I love you”, but he or she hasn’t said it back. Is that a bad sign? How long should you stick around to see if they feel the same way? This question also hit home, from a past relationship of Gigi’s and I am sure that it has happened to a lot of other people.

From Gigi: One of the worst feelings in the world is to tell someone you love them, and not hear it back, not even have it acknowledged, just plain ignored. I told someone that I loved them once, after we’d been together for over 6 months, and he said nothing back… not until months had passed, and then suddenly one day on the phone, when I was upset about my mother. He ended the call with a “love you” and that was how he first said it. It came too late for Gigi, since he waited many months after she’d said it. In fact, they had even broken up for a few months. He ended up disappearing from Gigi’s life, telling her that he loved her, but had too much going on in her life to find time for her. Another thing that Gigi will never understand… how someone cannot find time for love and can just walk away from it…

From Boris: No, it just means you said it way too early. some people fall “in love” WAAAAAAAAY too quickly, or even confuse a nice relationship that’s going well (compared to past relationships) as love. after that, I don’t think it matters, but it probably shouldn’t be thrown around again until he (or she) starts using the term themselves. if you do, they may start saying it back, even though they don’t mean it, just so they won’t feel awkward. if you say it and just get a thank you, I’d recommend not saying it again until THEY say it, period. I don’t think it should be said until you’re actually worried that if you wait another day (or date), they’ll beat you to the punch. then you don’t have to worry about it, because you’ll know you’re both ready to say it. so, say it when THEY’RE clearly ready to say it, not when you feel like it….

From Mike: Well said.

From Winnie: ‎1. Did he hear you? 2. Did he understand? 3. Does he speak the same language as you? 4. Of course it’s a bad sign 5. You jumped the gun. 6. If he has stopped looking you in the eye…it’s time to quit.

From Winnie: I avoid any possibility of the situation by never saying it first!! If he says it way too early…I’m usually headed for the door though 🙂

From Brie: But I agree with Boris…that if you’ve said it and you don’t get an “I live you” in return…do not say it again until he has said it back. I think people too often rush into it…turning what was a fun, lighthearted dating experience into something way too serious…way too soon!! sit back…relax…enjoy it…and let it happen naturally!!!

From Winnie: Jeejeej…go Brieeeee!!!! run forrest run!!!! jajajaj

From Brie: Oops…typo…that was an “I love you”. 🙂

From Winnie: I think “I live you” is fun too.

From Jackson: What kind if “conditional love” is this? I call b.s. If you really love someone and said it but they don’t feel the same way bout you then do what? Does that affect your love for them now It shouldn’t.
Now, If you’re wanting to level up (so there is some condition) you’ll know real quick the payout odds are not looking good. The other shouldn’t be surprised if you start putting in your quarters into a new slot (machine) so to speak.

From Brie: Thanks Winners!

From Boris: I think of it this way. If you say “I love you” and he immediately responds with “I love you, too, will you marry me?” what will you say? If you can’t immediately say “yes” back, then it’s not love, and you jumped the gun, trying to make something into something else. I don’t believe “love” (for a couple that is or soon will be intimate) is just an intermediate stage toward marriage–they’re the same thing, with or without the ring.

From Brie: Wait…does this mean you don’t think people can be in love and not want marriage?? I think they are two completely different entities. I know many people who are in loving relationships without wanting marriage…and unfortunately I also know couples who marry not for love….but for security and companionship.

From Matt: I LOVE YOU ALL! Be very afraid….

From Aaron: Did you see the Seinfeld episode where George does exactly that and she responds with something to the affect of, “that’s nice”? Hilarious. People go throwing the “I Love you” around like it’s simply a way of saying good by. If it gets thrown out there before the other one feels the same way, then they get exactly what they deserve for not having a clue where their partner’s head is at.

From Brie: Nicely put!!

From Boris: No, I don’t think they’re synonymous. I’m just saying some strong sense of commitment to a long-term relationship is in order and at hand, if it’s really “love.” If you want to reply to him that no, you’re not a big fan of marriage, but are very interested in a committed, long-term relationship to being an exclusive couple, etc. then you were ready for the L word, and his response. I’m just saying if a girl stammers “hmm, I don’t know, I never thought about that, I’ll have to consider that and get back to ya…” then it wasn’t the right time to throw out the L word. Love, to me, doesn’t mean “I want to be or live with you and have sex with you.” That’s just advanced dating and adult fun. I think it means “I don’t want to be or live (can’t imagine it) with anyone else, or have sex with anyone else” for the foreseeable future.

From Aaron: On another thought, the reponse you get should have nothing to do with how you feel. You only want to tell her you love her if she responds with the same because otherwise you may get butt hurt? That is not even close to love. That’s insecurity at it’s finest.
On a more humorous note, just wisper it. If you don’t get the response you were looking for, give her the “Olive Juice” line.

From Boris: It has nothing to do with being butt hurt. It has to do with saying I love you to someone that (likely/probably/apparently) doesn’t love you back. That’s a pretty silly exercise. It answers (in a screamingly loud voice) one’s own question: “am I saying this too early?” Yep, you sure are. If you didn’t think they’d respond positively, then you’re just throwing it out there like so much dead meat. I Love You says you’re ready for a major commitment, not just describing the fluttery feeling in your stomach–that could just be the burrito you had for dinner. It says you may want to spend the rest of your life with someone that you obviously think wants to spend the rest of their life with you. If they start staring at the clouds, it just proves you underestimated their feelings, or you overestimated your appeal. Either way, the relationship will probably end soon, so if it’s a game of “love me or leave” then you made a great call to end it early.

From Aaron: If you are questioning whether to stick around or not because you said “I love you” to someone and and they did not return with the same, then it is only yourself that you are in love with.

From Boris:I think you’re read too much Freud, and not enough of everything else. 🙂

From Shari: It isn’t necessarily bad or good. They might not know how they feel or know how to put it into words. Men aren’t usually as in tune with that side of themselves. I stuck around a year. I knew he loved me though he just didn’t say it.

From Rachel: Idk… if you feel strongly enough to say it, and they don’t say it back, I would feel a little discouraged, but I guess it’s how they handle it too. If they act like you never even said it, that’s a bad thing.

From Camille: It depends on how long the relationship has been going on. If “I love you” comes early, too fast, or as an impulse, your partner may not be ready to say it or not want to say “i love you too” which may be a reflex. there is no right time frame, but you will know how long is too long to wait.

And yet another blog that took off!! Good week, good week!!

3 Comments on Relationship Advice #33: If they don’t say ‘I love you’ back

  1. Nikki

    Ok so my problem is that me and my son father decided to try and work on a relationship this last past month. But its been over 4& a / years but still to this day most of the times I say I love you, he doesn’t reply but I know he does love my but I jus would like feel loved by him sometimes too… so now im to the point I don’t want to tell him nomore! 🙁

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  3. Mo

    My boyfriend tried to tell me he loved me but I made him stop. I have super strong feelings for him, I just got freaked out because I’ve never told anyone I loved them before like that. He was super embarrassed and I don’t want his feelings to change.. I want to tell him I love him but today just wasn’t the day. Do you think he will freak out and his feelings will change towards me? Why couldn’t I just of been bold and told him how I feel..

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