I’ve been single for a very long time. The last time I had an official boyfriend, I was fifteen years old. Since then, I had my crushes and flings, and if you’re familiar with my earlier blogs or my book, you know I had a faux boyfriend for ten years from the age of eighteen to about twenty-seven. It took me nearly three years to get over him, and after that point, I became reacquainted with a nice gentleman I went to elementary school with. He was funny, smart, a Christian man, someone with whom I enjoyed spending time. We were just friends, but you KNOW that I developed feelings for him…
We went from speaking on the phone…and the internet…all day every day to him becoming extremely busy a lot of the time. Once I found myself with the time on my hands that he once occupied, I filled it RIGHT back up doing the things that I liked to do. I hung out with friends, performed my poetry, and the more I performed poetry, the more in demand I became. My schedule became full-and in a way that I couldn’t just move things to accommodate his last minute requests for my attention. It felt good to be the one who was too busy for a change.
One night in particular I was on my way to my home poetry venue when he called me pouting through the phone. He was complaining that I hadn’t invited him to go (he always turned me down anyway), and that I hadn’t called him (he was always busy or wouldn’t answer for me). The kicker was when the brotha told me that I was supposed to be able to SENSE when he wanted me to call him. I responded, “Listen…let ME be the girl in this relationship.”
I thought it was just my relationship with him that ran that way, but I found that other men in my immediate circle were becoming “girly.” I had more than a few conversations that went this way:
Guy: So, you coming out tonight?
Me: I’m not sure. Was thinking I’d chill tonight. Did you want me to come?
Guy: Naw…if you wanna rest tonight go on and rest.
Me: Okay.
Guy: …so you coming tonight?
Me: No
Guy:
Are you SERIOUS??? If you wanna see me, come see me! If you want me to come out, ASK me! I wasn’t used to this kind of beating around the bush. I had a man take 20 minutes to ask me to come over and play cards with him. As a matter of fact, I’m the one who had to say, “Listen…do you want me to come over?”
Just last night, I had a phone conversation with a man who was upset that he could hear people talking in the background while I was talking to him. It doesn’t matter that the people weren’t talking to me. He was annoyed that other people were in the vicinity and MAY take my attention away from him. I was stunned.
I think that I tried to adapt to my relationships with men in the way I felt the world progressing. Men seem to have a lot more options than women do these days, so instead of wrapping my life around a man who will treat me like an option, I went out and got a life of my own, as a lot of women have also done. Now it seems that men are more and more intimidated by women. When I had all the free time in the world, the men were busy. Now that my dance card is full, they’re standing in line tapping their feet. I was once amazed at how arrogant men had become when the tables seemed to turn and they became the ones who were most sought after. Now it seems in the face of a strong, independent woman, they become tongue-tied, unsure, clingy…
Don’t get me wrong…I am the type of woman who, if my plans aren’t concrete or necessary, I am more than willing to cancel them to spend time in the company of a nice gentleman. I’m not calling a night short when I’m already out or breaking solid plans with a girlfriend though (well, there WAS that ONE time…), and I’m not cancelling business for pleasure. I’ve had a male friend tell me to cancel a poetry gig to be with him. I’d never ask him to change plans for me, nor would he DO it.
So what are we dealing with here? A double-standard? A role-reversal? A change in power? All I know is that my life is not a game. I don’t play busy to keep a man interested. I AM busy. I don’t have time to beat around the bush with a man I’ve known for months. Say what you mean and mean what you say. I’ll do what I can to fit into your life, but you have to do the same to fit into mine. I’ll do all I can to maintain a good relationship with the right guy, but I’m not breaking up with me to do it…
