Adventures in Dating: Gigi – Part XXVI

Sex, Lies, and Vanishing Acts from the Vanquished and the Gutless

After the last few months that Gigi had spent, trying to believe in men from her past who came back to her, meeting new men she all too quickly lost trust in, and seeing shit rain down on most of her friends (Oh no, here comes Gigi’s mami with the bleach to wash out her mouth), she was soon ready to give up again. She was almost convinced that she should just become a lesbian. She really loved her female friends who were always there for her, and never let her down. Brie and Helen felt the exact same way. Now this is not meant to offend any lesbians out there. I’m sure you have your own amorous problems, but women could never be as bad or as cruel as men, right? Please tell me it isn’t so.

However, all three women, Brie (let down by her lying scumbag of a jealous, cheating, no-good fiancé), Helen (let down by her ex-husbands and not even ready to date again), and Gigi (too many let downs to enumerate here), realized they could never become lesbians, no matter how much they loved each other. They loved men too much. Well, they loved the general idea of men. NOT the men they were meeting, dating, trusting, and sleeping with. Not when they were being let down by all of them. Let down by men they’d known for years. Let down by men they’d known for months, but had trusted implicitly. Let down by men who did the very thing they accused their women of doing, the hypocritical evil male things.

So not surprisingly, Gigi was ready to give up on love. Again. She spent the days after Niles ran away for the second time, just stumped, simply stumped, without the energy to ever consider dating again. Crying herself to sleep at night. Sending him texts that he ignored. Until he didn’t. Until he answered her text one week after he disappeared, telling her “I’m sorry. I’m racked with guilt over my son. It’s driving me crazy.” Telling Gigi that he would call her soon, but that she had to be patient. Telling her “I do care about you and I don’t want to hurt you.” And of course his text gave Gigi false hope. She knew it was false hope. Brie told her it was false hope. Helen told her it was false hope. Everyone told her that. But in Gigi’s mind she thought that since the first time he ran away he never answered her texts, and this time he had, it must MEAN something. Damn Gigi and her failure at reading men and signs, and their pitiful attempts at meaningful communication.

Gigi had spent a week from hell, her stomach in painful knots, unable to sleep, unable to eat, unable to concentrate on work. She was such a nervous wreck, and so forgetful that she went to a Hannukah party… a day early!! Her wonderful hostess, Elena didn’t even blink an eye, invited Gigi in, and soon had her making potato latkes for her and the kids, and Gigi had a good time with cutie-pie Mikey (only 3 years old, and therefore still an adorable male).

Gigi hadn’t felt this bad since David left two years ago. She’d even done something she rarely did: turn to alcohol. She didn’t really drink too much. In fact, she hardly ever did. But that week she found out that the worst mix in the world is: rich chocolate mousse cake, mojitos, salsa dancing all night and avoiding drunken British business men (yes, it had to be British men who spoke just like Niles – God must really hate Gigi!! Did she unknowingly date and dump Him one night, and now he is plotting on how to get back at her?)

Gigi had gone out with Kelly and Stephanie, whom she hadn’t seen in some time, immersed as they were in their relationships. They went back to their usual salsa club haunt. It was nice going there after a long absence, because everyone was always so happy to see them, asking them where they‘d been and why they‘d stayed away so long. It made them feel loved and missed. It was their home away from home, where they knew many people, and felt comfortable. They could dance, they could flirt, and they could enjoy themselves. It wasn’t a place where they looked for serious relationships, but a place to feel utterly female and beautiful.

Kelly and Gigi were ready to flirt the night away (yes, sadly things were not going well in Kelly-land either, and boat guy was a thing of the very recent past). Gigi and Kelly were on fire, as they always were when suddenly single again, and men were flirting with them left and right. Kelly was soon flirting with Frankie, a sexy Dominican man from her past, and Gigi was laughingly telling him about how she had had jury duty a few months ago, and whom did she see but his brother, Jose, who is an officer of the court. Gigi had been biting her lip for hours that day, trying to contain her laughter. She‘d also been wondering how on earth she could sit through jury duty or a serious trial while looking at a court officer whom she knew from the salsa clubs. Especially since he was a man she’d flirted with many a time, and whose brothers had gotten to know some of her friends quite intimately. What would one tell the judge at that point, “Your honor… I’d like to be excused from jury duty because your court officer is a male slut about whom I‘ve had very impure thoughts?” Would the judge be mad at you or at her officer? Would that be contempt of court? And more importantly, would that work as a way to get excused?

That night at the salsa club, Gigi was able to briefly forget Niles and enjoy herself. She danced bachata with a very sexy gangsta-like Latino guy, gave some very nasty looks to lying player Abel (you’ll find out why in just a few more of Helen’s chapters), avoided the drunken British business men as best she could, even though a very drunk Mario kept shoving them into her tatas, telling her they were gazillionaires (the men, not her tatas). She even saw Chad, her sexy Bellevue dad, the one who’d dared her to go two months without sex and lost, and they shared a very sexy reggaeton (Spanish rap) dance, as she thought how wonderful it would be to repeat THAT experience.

But somewhere in the back of her mind, was the thought of Niles. And her stomach would twist again in knots. So much so, that as she drove home that night, she began to cry, and to almost sob out loud, and then to cough, and suddenly, the cough turned into… yes, you guessed it: a very yucky mixture of chocolate mousse cake, mojito, and a broken heart. All over her coat, her dress, and her Betty Boop covered steering wheel. She hadn’t seen projectile vomiting like that since her friend Kerry’s infant daughter threw up at a McDonald’s. Gigi spent the next afternoon digging brown regurgitated chocolate mousse from her steering wheel and dashboard. And that was after a day having to teach with a holy heck of a chocolate-alcohol-heart break hangover… nowhere near as funny as the movie “The Hangover.” She’d almost called in sick, but darn it, there wasn’t an option on the sub phone for that. They only had press 1 for ill, press 2 for personal… there was no press 3 for chocolate-alcohol-heart break hangover!! Wonder if the superintendent could get right on that…

Niles texted her the very next night, and Gigi told him what had happened, wanting him to feel bad, and he did, telling her that he didn’t want her to hurt herself by drinking and driving. “I wasn’t drunk,“ Gigi wanted to yell at him, if he’d had the balls to call her the next morning when he left work, which of course he didn’t. “I was heart broken and feeling sick because of the way you’ve treated me.” But he didn‘t call, and he disappeared once again, as she wondered if she’d ever hear from him again. Wondering why she fell for him again. Wondering why he came back for a day. Wondering what the hell was wrong with her.

The sad thing is that she knew what was wrong with her. Deep inside she knew perfectly well what was wrong with her. She just couldn’t change her ways. She always made the same mistakes, fell for the same lies, and didn‘t know how to change the way she was, and the way she let men do what they did to her.
“Would therapy help us?” Brie asked?
“Nope. Tried that once,” said Gigi, “and my therapist actually approved of the man I left my husband for!! And that ended up with a psychotic Persian woman almost ruining my life.” (Therapists, shmerapists! just wait till you hear what Helen’s therapist told her, and what it led to!!).

At the club, Gigi and Kelly commiserated over drinks, admitting that they always fell for the exact same kind of man. It’s as if they were stuck in a horrible Dante’s tenth circle of hell (if online dating had existed in Dante’s days, it would have been the tenth circle of hell), a vicious cycle they couldn’t get out of. Kelly always fell for Latino men who had emotional problems, or had no foreseeable future in which Kelly could get married to them, have babies and live happily ever after. Gigi fell for men who were emotionally unavailable, who came, used her, and left, over and over and over again.

She tried to remember the last time she’d been truly happy, and just couldn’t remember. Was it for a day with Niles? For a few days with sailor Julian? For a week with Oscar the poet? For a week with David? For about a year, out of the 6 spent with Daniel her Canadian almost fiancé? When had “love” ever made her happy? Kelly told her that she might have been happy for a little bit when she was in love, or told herself that she was in love, but the men she fell for could not give her the future she wanted, and so she ended up being miserable. Gigi and Kelly been happier in a way when they weren’t dating and just simply indulged in good, fun, honest booty. Getting together with nice men who didn’t lie to them. They didn’t have to lie because they knew that they would get what they wanted without having to lie, that there would just be fun and no drama. Booty never hurt Gigi and Kelly. To quote the famous David, “It is what it is.”

So Gigi and Kelly ran back to booty. Because they both had men who LIVED for the in-between times. What’s an in-between time, you may ask? Well, that’s when Gigi and Kelly are available for booty. They have certain numbers in their phone that they never get rid of, men who love to make them happy, who are always there to pick up the pieces when the “wonderful” men, the “normal” men, the ‘serious” men fall through and totally let down Gigi and Kelly. These booty men make Gigi and Kelly feel good. Beautiful. Sexy. Wanted. Missed. And needed. And isn’t it great to feel all these things?

Gigi had to confess that after Niles ran away last week, she ran straight to her local booty guy (who lives a mere and very convenient six blocks away). Maury is a sweet, sexy, African American man that Gigi met a local club where he works as a waiter. They’d been upfront from the beginning about only wanting booty, and over the summer had seen each other once or twice a week, especially when Gigi was recovering from the men she tried to date. He was the one who comforted her when her mami was sick and Julian the sailor had no comfort to give. He was the one who comforted her when Gentle Giant turned out to be not so gentle after all. And he comforted her again this time, as she vowed to him she was truly giving up on dating. It didn’t really help this time, and she couldn’t help feeling slightly unfaithful to Niles, remembering how they’d told each other they would only see each other, and Gigi had promised to give up on booty for as long as they were together. Well, he ran away again, didn’t he?

When Niles texted her, Gigi spent most of that night texting Brie, who lived too far away to come over and help her bounce back in person. But Brie was always there for Gigi, never judged her, and never told her “I told you so” when things didn’t work out. And Gigi was there for Brie, when she repeated her own mistakes in trusting the jerk she was in love with, even thought he’d been repeatedly unfaithful to her while engaged to her. Brie was suffering her own sadness, and they promised to help each other get over the jerks they cared about. Jerks who didn’t deserve the feelings felt for them.

Gigi spent one night watching movies with her sons, the only males she could truly love and trust. She spent another night with Helen, watching romantic comedies… big mistake, as Gigi ended up crying into her ice cream, seeing the movie couples end up with happily ever afters, that she couldn’t quite seem to find for herself. She even texted Le’Ro, to see when he was coming into town to cheer her up, and who told her Niles was crazy to have Gigi and let her go.

The next week, it was once again a Boomerang Boyfriend week, and a few more men came crawling back. First it was a phone text sent to Gigi’s email. It said that he was in Detroit and couldn’t wait to see his love. She called the number and it ended up being from her sailor Julian, although he swore up and down that he hadn’t sent it, that one of his friends must have sent it to get them back together. Now Gigi hadn’t talked to him in over a month. She’d been furious at him because he’d been in the States for two months and had not come to see her, even though he was only 11 hours away. Then he’d told her he was going back overseas, that such was life, that his job was his job, and that Gigi had to understand. When she’d told him that he’d promised her he’d come to see her, he said she was unreasonable and that was why she was alone!! Gigi had hung up on him at that. A few days aftger the text, Julian called her, and when Gigi heard his sexy voice, she saw him as a distraction, as a way to forget Niles, who had such a stranglehold on her emotions. Julian once again tried to convince her to come to Virginia to see him, and Gigi told him she’d consider it. It would be a mini-vacation of sorts and great booty (if you remember, Julian was once a porn star if he is to be believed). We’ll see next week if Gigi gives in to temptation.

Now for the past few months, Gigi had also been somewhat dating her boring, but safe 50 year old man from chapter 1, the Arthur who lived near her, and whom she’d broken up with because although they’d been together for almost a year, he’d kept her a secret from his ex-wife and ex-girlfriend, and from his children. Now he hasn’t been written about fully yet, although he will merit a chapter of his own soon. Gigi used him as her fall-back man, her safe man, her comfort zone who would never hurt her. Well, this week, even he fell through and he hadn’t called her in over a week, even though it was their week for seeing each other, since he didn’t have his kids.

She was so mad that even he had let her down, that she drove the few blocks to his house, without calling him first, knocked on the door, and then let him have it. “So, you’re alive. You’re not on fire. You’re not dead!! I can cancel the phone call to your son’s school (his son goes to school in the same district where Gigi teaches) to make sure you haven’t died.” But he looked so miserably sick (he had bronchitis) that Gigi couldn’t yell for long. And when she began to cry with hurt and anger and frustration, he looked even worse, and apologized to her for not having called to tell her that he was sick. Gigi left, promising to yell some more once his health was better… which will probably be sometime this summer, since he spends all of the winter season sick.

Now as always, Gigi had her face book friends to count on. There were some things that Gigi knew she could count on: her sons, writing her Gigi chapters that gave her the much needed closure and sanity, her friends in Michigan, and her friends, both near and far, on face book. Lately her face book friends had even helped her come up with funny comments and revenge ideas for Gigi. Last week, she got some great suggestions from her high school friend Donna for ways to get back at Niles, ways which she will discuss in the chapter on getting revenge on Niles. Because there will be some kind of revenge or payback on Niles. Especially if he doesn’t call to bring some kind of closure to their relationship. Tonight on face book, Gigi asked for, and received suggestions on what to call tonight’s Gigi chapter. The winners were Brie’s “Sex, Lies and Vanishing Acts” and she decided to go with that, until she got a great one from a man. Yes a dreaded man, but since Paul had connections to Gigi’s beloved Mallorca, and was a Barcelona soccer fan, she had to consider his ideas of “the Vanquished and the Gutless.”

She’d also had a very funny day, text wise. Oh texts, another way that Gigi finds amusement or WTF moments… She’d been at school on a lesson plan break, wondering what the heck she’d write for her Gigi chapter due that very night, when she got a phone text sent to her email, saying “Hi gorgeous.” She’d sent a text to the phone number that she didn’t recognize (she’d recently deleted a lot of numbers), asking who it was from. She got a simple “John”. “OMFG,” she thought, “now Gentle Giant is back after weeks of silence?!! Oh no, he didn’t!!” She texted back that he had some nerve contacting her after weeks of silence. He apologized for his silence (God, Mary had just commented on how lately Gigi’s men did nothing, but apologize to Gigi, and Gigi was getting well and truly tired of all the darned apologies!!). He told her that he’d been really busy, and would she please forgive him? “Forgive you? After you stood me up and missed my home-cooked meal, and then got mad that I ate it with my girl friend and our sons? You have some serious apologizing to do…” John sincerely apologized for his insensitivity and again asked how he could make it up to her. Gigi thought of the amazing couch exercise moment with him, shook her head, and told him that not even an amazing meal or dessert would fully make up for his faults.

Then John suddenly texted her, asking if she knew that she was talking to John from Dating DNA… and Gigi burst out laughing. She had NOT been texting Gentle Giant for the past 15 minutes, but another John, a different John whom she’d met on the same dating site a few weeks ago. She told him that she knew two Johns from that site, one whom she’d met in person and who had stood her up, and one whom she had not yet met in person. “Which one are you?” she texted, already knowing the answer. Sure enough. He sent her a photo, and it was the one she had not yet met, and he told her that the dinner date sounded like a great idea, and maybe he could apologize formally for all Johns on Dating DNA who have let down women. They yahooed each other later on messenger, and made plans to meet up one of these days. Gigi’s life indeed!!

But that’s not all… It’s like those darn commercials that try and get you to buy one thing, and then tell you that if you call right away, you’ll get another set of the same things, or an accessory to go with it. Then they keep telling you, “That’s not alll!!” as though if they threw enough stuff at you, you’d be tempted to buy the items. Yup. Gigi had woken up with no ideas for her current Gigi chapter, and was suddenly hit by numerous ideas, as her day progressed and Gigi’s life happened to her. As said several times already in these memoirs: who needs fiction in Gigi’s life, when her non-fiction is so downright entertaining?

Right after John II’s text (Gees, sounds like Gigi is dating Popes now), she got a text from Tim, the sexy cop with whom she’d made a date last week, a date, that yes, of course never happened. He’d texted her the night before the date, telling her that he might have to reschedule because he might have to work. Now Ana had warned Gigi not to ever trust a Detroit cop, saying that they were all married and cheated like crazy. Well, Tim the cop (“There are some who call me… Tim”… yet another Monty Python moment), never called to either confirm or postpone the Friday date or the make-up Sunday date. He did text late Sunday night, apologizing saying he’d had a family matter come up. ANOTHER FRICKING APOLOGY!! Enough with the apologizing men already… Gigi, having absolutely no more patience or courtesy left in her, told him it was rude and thoughtless and discourteous, and her biggest pet peeve. That she would never leave a man wondering if he was going to see or her or not, and that anyone could find two minutes to postpone or cancel a date by text.

Well, he texted her again today, to tell her the family matter was… the death of his brother. And how sad it is that Gigi just didn’t have it in her to believe him. After all, Helen’s grandfather has died countless times (he really is dead, by the way) to get her out of bad dates, so maybe men use that same excuse. But Gigi was brought up to be polite, and she told him she was sorry and that she understood why he hadn’t called her. And then he simply stopped texting… so why did he text at all, if he didn’t even bother asking for another date. Nope. Gigi will NEVER, ever understand men… EVER!! Especially when later that night he sent her a message on yahoo, and emailed her a photo…of his whatchamacallit!! Oh yes, just the thing to do when in mourning for your borther…mail photos of your private parts to a woman whom you’ve never met in person yet. Good God, where was Gigi finding these men?

So to recap: in just two weeks, Gigi found and lost Niles a man she cared about, had ok booty from a neighborhood bartender, heard from her sailor Julian and made tentative plans to drive to Virginia to see him, was ignored by her safe and dependable Arthur, got stood up by another new man because his brother “died”, thought she heard from Gentle Giant, but it turned out to be a new man who asked her out on a date for the unforeseeable future, and she found comfort in her friends and chocolate cake until it ended up on her steering wheel. Is there ANYONE out there who wonders why Gigi is so thoroughly confused? Oh she did have a great week teaching her wonderful students who do love her to bits, so at least her job doesn’t suck!!

2 Comments on Adventures in Dating: Gigi – Part XXVI

  1. Adventires in Dating: Gigi – Part XXVI : Adventures in Dating - Dating Tips and Tricks

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