Ask the Married Girl #7: Fear of Commitment

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  • June 1, 2010 at 11:08 pm

com·mit·ment

Pronunciation: \kə-ˈmit-mənt\ ; Function: noun ; Date: 1603

1 a : an act of committing to a charge or trust: as (1) : a consignment to a penal or mental institution (2) : an act of referring a matter to a legislative committee b : mittimus
2 a : an agreement or pledge to do something in the future; especially : an engagement to assume a financial obligation at a future date b : something pledged c : the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled per www.merriam-webster.com

So, according to the dictionary the “Fear of Commitment” would be a fear of a future financial or emotional obligation. I’m not sure if this is exactly what people mean when they say “He has a fear of commitment.” since most of the time the guy will agree to date you exclusively and will often even insist on paying for the dates. Not that the fear of emotional obligation isn’t a part of the “Fear of Commitment” but I think it is more likely the fear of “losing his ability to change his mind about being with you without looking like a jerk” that is really at the heart of it. I mean really now, think about it. Does he have a dog? Has he lived in the same apartment for several years? Does he have an absolute favorite band? Is he emotionally invested in these things and willing to spend money on them? Alright then, it’s not really the commitment part that’s the problem then is it?

Look at it this way, if he is not willing to “commit” (and by commit, we mean marry or move-in with you) then he probably just hasn’t been inspired or taken with you enough to be willing to go through some messiness to break things off if it comes to it. He is basically saying, “I like you enough to date only you, but if something better comes along, I don’t want to have to pay for a lawyer or a moving van to get out of this relationship.” And this is totally OK. He just needs to be honest about it, and stop this “I don’t want to hurt her feelings BS”, because guess what? You probably already have. The lack of willingness to commit already hurts. If you’re just not that into her (thanks Greg B!) then just be honest about it. Yes, you might lose her, but you are only loosing something temporary anyway. And girls, do you really want to marry/move in with someone that has to be strong-armed or talked into it? For me, that answer is “NO.”

OK guys, don’t worry is not all about you. 😉

You know what I really don’t understand? The seemingly neurotic way that some girls crave commitment; they act as if it is oxygen or chocolate! I mean, come on now girls, get it together! It’s a guy, just another guy that you want more from than he is willing to give. You’ve dated him before, and you’ll probably date him again, so please calm down a bit. I really wish that women would take their dating relationships a little less seriously. Not every guy you date would make a good husband for you and if you take a more critical eye towards your man, you may just realize that a little fun is all he is really good for.

Where does this desperation for commitment come from anyway? I blame fairy tales and Disney. The Disney princesses and the fairy tale heroines always seem to find their one true love and eternal soul mate at 16,and of course, he is the only boy she ever has or will kiss. Gag! As if! Let’s face it, 17 year old “Prince Charmings” and 16 year old doe-eyed virgin Princesses are primarily a product of our imaginations and antiquated “ideals”. This is not to say that one shouldn’t look for true love, as I do believe it exists, I just don’t think should should expect it from every person you date. You’ll know it when you find it. There will be an undying spark and some little voice in the pit of your belly that says “OK, I can do this.”

OK, so back to the men. Sorry guys!

Guys, please keep in mind that not every girl you date thinks that you are all that and wants to marry you. Every once in a while, you will run into one of us that just wants a little fun, and that “commitment” that you are so afraid of may not be anything more than cheaper rent and better sex. You see, women won’t give away the “best goods” if you are obviously “iffy” about the future. You at least have to (willingly) make some move towards commitment before you get to meet the wizard behind the curtain. I mean, honestly, do you really think she is going to give you your fantasy when she is nothing more than “today’s best option?” Uh no, I don’t think so. The really good sex is reserved for those a little less timid than you.

And women, please make sure that he is actually worthy of your best before you give it away! You don’t need more heartache than you are already guaranteed to receive in life.

Thanks for reading and don’t forget to have a little fun out there.

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